Colors of Antiquity

Staring at the photo, I feel as if the appropriate thing to do is let the tears I should be trying to hold back roll down my face. But I do not feel that. The numbness is back because feeling nothing as in not caring is not the case. I can feel some sort of stirring boiling beneath the blanket of numbness that has returned. You never took such proud pictures with me; at first, that would hurt me. But now thinking about it, I know those few photos we took together are more treasureable than any other photo you flaunt with any one else because at that moment in time, it was real and it was as pure as it could have been. I may not have been your perfect physical doll, but my love within was…

You are graduating in two weeks. I wanted nothing more than to attend. To have my eyes meet your hand receive that college diploma you worked so hard for as I stood in the back where you would not have seen me. You’re ending a chapter of your life and I am not there to share it with you. These moments are only with us in the present as they pass us by. Then they only become brief tangible memories within our minds. These moments are what ultimately shape our future…moments bring the intensity of this instant with the rate of time and shape the momentum of Time. What will you exactly let your future bring you?

Un dia llegara mi Mariano.

the content. the context. the essence. the love. to whomever that may have been meant for. for me or not. i remember. i remember when those three simple words were meant for me and only me. two years…have gone by within the blink of an eye, yet it feels as if time has been crawling into eternity. within the depths of those words, i drown myself with the intimacy once captivated between you and me as we stood hundreds of miles apart. my heart would yearn for your life’s presence right beside me too.

it always comes down to this. either i look towards the future, waiting on the man who will forever change my life as he pours his unconditional and unbelievable love into my soul or i look at the past….i look at you. there has to come a time when i know i will have to let go…completely. i just wish that had already happened. but the thing is…i don’t think i will be able to move on from you ever. not only because you were my first true love—even for such a short amount of time—but because until i find the one i will have that void of your absence. until he fills it, i will be able to live in peace…with unconditional happiness and love along with your unforgettable love.

In the darkness of the night, she walks up the mountain side road, destined to reach the top. Her only light is the full moon that peeks through the tall looming trees that surround her. Her white dress flows behind her, like the rising and falling of tides in the nearby ocean. Finally she reaches the top, a bright moonlit area that flattens out. She walks over,then falls slowly onto her back and lays there, letting the moonlight take her away into the Endless Night…

An innocent and pure love. A true and intense love that used to exist. That is all I ask for.

I am swimming in the midst of all I oppose. This is when I am to be the most strongest. The challenge has began. Words will be thrown at me to break my soul and become like them, but it will not work because I have God by my side and he loves me just the way I am. I will not change and stomp on my morals and values only to fit into a world in where many turn to deal with meaningless things and feel are more important than what truly is…Yes I have made my mistakes and I will continue making mistakes but I am human. I will learn from my mistakes and do my best to bring betterness into the world. I will be me.

A number that could have been so magical this year. It was the start of a new decade. A number so trivial to the rest of the world but me. In a few days, I will find myself gazing out into the pacific ocean as the waves crash against the shore on a Sunday breezy night. It is 3am as I write this. I have my last final of this quarter in a few hours and I know you are on the same task as I. Good luck, my Love. I’ll see you in a few days…in our repressed memory.